One of those days

Well I've talked a little about depression.... now somehow I thought we were maybe getting a handle on it. At least we have a doctor that knows when I show up at the appointment is bad. I'm not sure she knows how bad it is... but she knows we need major help.

Then BOOM we get a letter in the mail saying that our insurance isn't going to keep her on their HMO. Now flashbacks are going through my head of how horrible it has been. I'm scared actually. Worst of all I don't think I can show it.

I didn't think he would stay in treatment as long as he did... and now I'm not sure he is going to actually find a new doctor for this. He primary care physician (I want to drop kick him to Peru) says I really don't see how he is depressed. He says I've seen much worse people. I really hate his primary care physician! I asked didn't my husband want to change primary physicians, but he doesn't.

Will my husband go to a new doctor? Will he try to get his primary physician just to treat him? What will he do? I don't think I can handle someone tinkering with his meds again... I know what he is taking isn't the best... but when not on the right combination or when he decides he doesn't need them at all...

I know it has been over a year now... but last time he was off of them. He got angry... so angry... it built up his anger. You could tell everything was bothering him. One day he went past the tv... the boys games were out. He screamed at them... then he hopped... ran over to the chair where our youngest was... and with the full stream of running slapped his head.

We have gone through all the bad times... when it is it time for good times? He went through periods where he would growl at us... one time he was so mad at me.. he jumped up and down in his underwear and spit at me... the I'm going to kill myself ... to I'm going to kill you first then kill myself. I'm not sure if I can go through another period of time like that. Maybe I'm blowing it all out of portion.

The whole time we go through this... I wonder am I one of those mothers that you see on tv in the orange jump suits that is saying it's all her husband or boyfriends fault the kids were mentally abused. When is it my fault?

I have a degree... I have a good job... I never thought of myself as someone that is helpless... yet I feel helpless. and it might sound silly for a 41 year old mother of two to do... but I WANT MY MOMMY!